i want to swaddle you in tequila
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
