Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Do you have feelings for this penis?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
