:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
