I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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