Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize