Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Fuck appropriateness.
false alarm. still invincible.
My balls are so social today.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
