I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
