Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
