You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize