I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
