I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize