im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
