Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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