and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
