my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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