**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize
