just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
