If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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