My friends, they love my intelligence
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
