Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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