There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
