things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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