drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
