im drinking this country out of the recession.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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