shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I'm both gender and math confused
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
