nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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