I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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