too bad you live with your parents still
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
