i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I could make wine with my vomit
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
