Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
