Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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