i permit you to call me
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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