There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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