where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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