so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Randomize
