Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
He called his prostate his "boner button".
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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