made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
