apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
