Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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