I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
