Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
