No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
My vagina just clenched in fear
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
