anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
