your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
