wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i think my mom watched the whole time
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
please don't ironically join a cult
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