mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize