I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I wish there were birth control emojis
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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