Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
