omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
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