don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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