My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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