your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
