I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
