garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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