Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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