Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
