i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
