Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
