when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
That accounts for only three of the penises
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
