we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize