Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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