i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
