Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
