Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
