Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
